So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
