All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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