I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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