Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
