my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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