The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
