some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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