At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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