Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
