Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
