Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
