turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
