So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
