I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
