woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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