I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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