What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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