I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Panties = found
Randomize
