If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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