Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
