Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I checked into jail on foursquare
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
