I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
