I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
And then my night got REAL pukey
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
