just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
