im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
