i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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