Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
