I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
