why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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