I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
