I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
