just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
