Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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