Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
