I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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