my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
