I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
