3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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