Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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