Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
