Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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