Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
