Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
