My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
