So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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