How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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