and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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