so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
