Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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