Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
