I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You pole danced in your parka.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Randomize
