I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
