I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
