6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize