It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
