I cannot find my penis.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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