I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
we're so committed to being not committed
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
