Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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