How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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