That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We're too hungover to prance.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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