I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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