Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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